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Hiding in Plain Sight

January 22, 2019

I am currently in the process of switching anti-anxiety/depressants, and it's made me re-realize what it is like to live with an invisible illness. Currently the new meds are making me feel good during the day, but they seem to wear off in the evening. Last night I was at a political town hall, and because of this I started to get real antsy about halfway through. Ironically a question about mental health services was being asked as I felt like I was sticking out like a sore thumb with my leg bouncing and my constant checking of my phone. Looking back at that moment, the reality of my illness was only evident to me because only I could hear the non-stop motion of thoughts in my head. 

 

For the past couple of months I had been going through a real rough patch. I knew that I needed help, but I couldn't find the words to say it. Every day I would go into work, sit at my desk, and mentally be screaming for someone to notice. Turns out no one could hear me. *Shocker* The reality is that when you have a mental illness, especially one that manifests inwards, most people don't know that you are living with an illness. People used to be shocked when I told them I have depression because I seemed so "normal." 

 

Unfortunately there isn't a sticker on my forehead telling people I live with mental illness, so in order for them to know I have to be the one to tell them. And even when people do know, they can think you're completely fine. I've been faking being fine for so long I don't even know how to act like I have a mental illness anymore. 

 

Having mental illness is real, and sometimes you want people to know and treat you accordingly. But turns out, unless the words are physically coming out of your mouth people can't hear you screaming. 

 

 

 

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